January 21st, 2011 | by Your Editor | published in Features, Sporting Life
Do you see this moron in the photo above? That, in some places, is how you signal a right turn while riding a bicycle. But not in Portland! So why do you assholes insist on doing it? Every goddamn day in Portland, I end up behind a cyclist (either in my car or on my [...]
January 11th, 2011 | by Your Editor | published in Analysis, Sporting Life
Hello people! Do you like sports? Are you from Oregon? Do you PRETEND you are from Oregon when real Oregonians ask you where you’re from? Great! There’s a football game on tonight, featuring the University of Oregon “Mighty Ducks.” You can watch them in a bar, in public, and cheer for them! AS IF YOU [...]
November 16th, 2010 | by Your Editor | published in Features, Sporting Life
Today in obvious news: A yearlong study conducted by actual paid researchers shows that cycling to work and school is typically a very healthy activity. Falling off your bike, however, can result in some degree of injury. Hold on a minute. Let us write this down. Some dudes from Oregon Health and Science University followed [...]
November 5th, 2010 | by Your Editor | published in Analysis, Sporting Life
Famous footballer and typically-balding British dude Wayne Rooney is coming to Portland, for a week, to escape the sad rock in the North Atlantic where he is forced to spend the majority of his days. Do you know what this means, Portland? We don’t know either. Is the answer “something something something hookers?” No, we’re [...]
October 26th, 2010 | by Your Editor | published in Features, Sporting Life
Your Portland Trailblazers begin their season tonight against the Phoenix Suns, at the garden, where about 20,000 or so of you will be drunk, shouting for Rudy Fernandez to go back to Mexico or wherever. It will be very exciting! For about four months or so, that is, until the playoffs roll around, at which [...]
September 17th, 2010 | by Your Editor | published in Analysis, Sporting Life
Ha ha, this story is funny for one reason: Apparently, because of bad weather this spring, bears around the Northwest are HONGRY and are turning to human foodstuffs (and probably human, like, children, maybe) for sustenance. This is funny because: SM editor Tyler’s only real phobia is of bears. What a pussy! In case you [...]
September 3rd, 2010 | by Your Editor | published in Analysis, Sporting Life
Well, adios, minor leagues. The Timbers played their final home game last night before being promoted to the majors next season. That should bring a mixed bag of family-friendly bullshit, awful logos, greater attendance and better competition. But the Army and others can worry about that when the time comes. Last night, the north end [...]
August 18th, 2010 | by Tyler | published in Features, Sporting Life
For all of you local homeboys, the place all of Portland’s young and penniless, and all of crooked-toothed Troutdale, are hanging out in this heat is apparently the Sandy River. Take it from me, the water is icy, the cops are cool with you drinking by the water, and the sky is bright and open. [...]
August 14th, 2010 | by Tyler | published in Features, Sporting Life
OMG. That water is cooooold!!! I’ll tell you what, you go down the the McKenzie River, right between Sisters and Springfield (outside Eugene), and dip those little “sitting on my ass, reading blogs” feet into that rushing white water and you’ll know the definition of cold. Check it…
July 28th, 2010 | by Tyler | published in Features, Sporting Life
Your sexy writers went floating on the Clackamas this weekend. Yes sir, we roped a cooler to an inner tube and went bobbin down an icy cool waterway. Where you say?? Well all that to come after the jump…>