Hey folks! So, your SM editor is maxing upstairs at Ignite Portland, sitting in a kind of wildly comfy chair and enjoying a, uh, what is this, Pabst? Yes, a Pabst. Success! We’ll be liveblogging the event from time to time all night, whenever something interesting/funny/embarrassing happens. So check back in! We’ll get started in like an hour or so, when this deal kicks off. See you then, for the jokez!
6:03 p.m. – Oh hey there. Man, this place is filling up fast, to the point where there’s basically a tussle between people for every unclaimed seat. I’m sitting in this seat that is next to a fake seat – there is literally no flip-down cushion part for people to sit on – but some lady grabbed a regular four-post chair from the hallway or something and is now sitting on it in the vacant spot. See, those are the kind of people who attend Ignite: Problem-solvers. No but really, there are NO FUCKING SEATS HERE. If you plan on getting one, get here fast, people.
6:10 p.m. – Some dude just looked over the upstairs balcony and said, “Jesus, there are a ton of roped-off seats downstairs. That’s crazy.” INDEED, MY FRIEND. Indeed.
6:11 p.m. – There are now people next to me talking about sitting on other people’s laps, LITERALLY FUCKING DISCUSSING THIS. Man, it’s awesome for Ignite that this many people turned up, I guess, but maybe a bigger venue is in order next year.
6:20 p.m. – At least people seem to be in the mood to drink. A lady next to me just asked a friend to order her “the biggest pitcher I can get.” Like what, a DOUBLE PITCHER? Like one of those massive beer-guzzling boots you can get in Holland? Anyway, if she comes back with some double pitcher contraption – like two pitchers duct-taped together or something – I’m totally getting one.
6:33 p.m. – I just had some dude who is sitting on the stairs save my seat for me. Total dick move.
6:36 p.m. – The line for food and beer is so long, it’s at the point where you seriously have to weigh you hunger/thirst with how much of the show you actually expect to catch. Like, if you’re at the end of the line now, maybe you’ll catch the last 10 speakers or so. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s moving superfast and people are getting back to their seats/stairs in a reasonable amount of time. But it sure doesn’t seem like it to me.
6:43 p.m. – Well holy shit everyone: They nice dude sitting on the stairs who saved my seat is Scotty Iseri from scottygotanofficejob.com! Portland is so damn cool sometimes.
6:50 p.m. – OH HELL. A lady who I was supposed to hold a seat for, and totally forgot about, just gave me ten kinds of hell for doing so. Deservedly. God. I’m such a dick. Sorry lady! I didn’t mean to, I swear!
6:53 p.m. – A friend of mine who just snuck in (total rebel) just told me they are trying to get the Ignite feed over at Backstage, but they’re having some technical issues. If you’re not here and you want to check it out, the show is streaming here. But don’t stop reading the liveblog! FOR THE HUMOROUS INSIGHT.
7:01 p.m. – Hey, we’ve started everybody! Andy Beach is talking about how to make booze. There’s a thing up there that says “Walnut Cognac.” Gangster.
7:05 p.m.: “Save your failures,” he says about your failed booze infusions. That’s why we save all of our blog posts!
7:06 p.m.: Andy’s giving us some drink ideas now. “Go try this at home,” he says. Great Andy, IT’S A WEDNESDAY, DUDE. So yes, it’s a great idea. Let’s get drinking. NEXT SPEAKER PLZ.
7:09 p.m.: Now Erik Chevalier is talking about “fabbers” which make real objects out of, um, magic(???). When can we start making our voodoo dolls, Erik?
7:10 p.m.- So, Erik’s talking about a machine that can make objects out of stuff like peanut butter and cupcake frosting. Don’t all little girls have one of these? And does Erik want us all to be big fat bastards who make model couches and cars and stuff, just so we can eat them?
7:12 p.m. – People are apparently working on a laster scanner where you can scan your head and make a peanut butter model of it in minutes. I can finally make out with my peanut butter self! All those dreams will finally become reality, hooray. NEXT!
7:13 p.m.: Here’s Gene Ehrbar talking about the stuff he does and does not let his children read. “Media is making children hop on fathers’ testicles,” he basically says. Jesus. DO NOT WANT.
7:15 p.m. – There are photos of He-Man on the screen, which is HAWT. Yes, and cross-marketing, buy the toy, you must buy the DVD, etc. BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE ALL OF THESE GAY UNDERTONES?
7:17 p.m. – Apparently, Ozzie Osbourne wants to eat our children. Man. Tell me something I don’t know. There are websites you should go to, Gene says. Check out those books about gay trains or whatever before you give it to them, etc. Thanks Gene. NEXT.
7:18 p.m. Kristin Webb-Tomson is up there, and is, um, not doing super hot. We’ll just wait and see how this turns out.
7:23 p.m. – Well, Ok Kristin, thanks. But now here’s Steven Walling, from Wilipedia. TELL US HOW IT ALL WORKS, STEVEN.
7:24 p.m. – Ha ha, there’s a photo of Bush Jr. with the word, “Wikipediot” above it. Jokes! YES.
7:25 p.m. – “We’re obsessive and we rule at trivia,” Steve says. This is probably massively true. Plus, they know lots of acronyms. “We know enough to confuse the hell out of you,” he says. Thanks Steve!
7:27 p.m. – OH MY GOD, we are apparently supposed to give our robot overlords robot head. Jesus, this is depressing! Not only will I never understand Wilipedia, but I have to give Wikipedia’s robots blow jobs. And it’s all for free. Damn. Well there you go. NEXT!
7: 30 p.m. – Hey, it’s Sarina Rodrigues to explain to us what happens to our bodies when we mentally freak out. I just pee my pants. Why is that, Sarina?
7:31 p.m. Sarina’s tone is cracking my shit up. I can’t even explain it. But if you’re here, you’re laughing.
7:31 p.m.: “Your brain gets your muscles ready to run or jump or crap your pants,” she says. All of the above for us, please!
7:32 p.m. – “Try to avoid shooting your neighbor,” Sarina says. Noted. Plus, apparently, there’s some chemical in my brain that makes me feel in love, happy in generous. Oxytocin, it’s called. You can snort it! “It’s the ultimate chill pill.” GROOVY DUDEZ.
7:34 p.m. – THERE ARE NOW SEX TOYS ON THE SCREEN. I just thought you should know that. NEXT!
7:35 p.m. – Our BFF Max Rati is up here to tell us how to remain unemployed. But Max, we already live in Portland? WHAT ELSE CAN WE POSSIBLY DO?
7:35 p.m. – Oh. Be journalism graduates. Gotcha.
7:36 p.m. – Put together a resume and a cover letter. “Make sure you have some spelling errors in that,” he says. Then he shows us a resume that is the color of a 1970s cargo van. Vomit color. We are taking copious notes.
7:38 p.m. – What to wear. “I just look around on my floor for jeans and a tee-shirt or whatever else is down there.” This also works for first dates, plane rides and dinner parties. We know. That’s how we roll. NEXT!
7:40 p.m. Hey it’s Amber Case everybody! And she’s talking about “biodomes.” Everybody loves biodomes, she says. DUDE EXACTLY.
7:41 p.m. There is a fifth postulate, she says! Two parallel lines that go on forever and ever until infinity….god this is going fast. We might just take a little break and listen…
7:45 p.m. – Amber Case is a legend. Hyperbolic pants! Just phenomenal. NEXT!
7:46 p.m. – Lee Williamson is now talking about, um, Old West brothels?
7:47 p.m. – A little history lesson about the 1918 flu. A bunch of deaths, Lee says. 100 million! More than the black plague! History is so full of dead people.
7:51 p.m. – Well that was informative. NEXT! Oh my god WHO IS THIS SCREAMING GUY?
7:52 p.m. – Oh, it’s Phillip Kerman. He’s acting like his whole presentation is over. So sly of him.
7:53 p.m. – “Productivity is more important than perfection,” he says. We totally agree! Quantity over quality, the SM motto.
7:54 p.m. – We get that this is supposed to be funny, but if he’s supposed to show us how to do video production on the cheap, uh, he’s not exactly doing that. But there are photos of his cat on the screen, so that’s cool. And hey, Star Wars. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
7:56 p.m. – We think Phil broke Ignite Portland. Is it over? OH NO, just time for more beer. BRB dudes.
8:26 p.m. – Hey dudes, we’re back. We are getting advertised to. I suddenly want to visit Silicon Florist, and go to Facebook.
8:35 p.m. Sheetal Dube is up, talking about the Bag Lady, a heart patient of hers. This is all very sciency and serious. We may just let this one go. Good work, though, Sheetal!
8:40 p.m. – OK! It’s Selena Deckelmann, talking about how to un-rig an election. She’s going to lay this out in six easy steps, just like AA, uh, right?
8:41 p.m. – This election was in Nigeria. It was violent, controversial, suspicious. Etc. And some tech kids came in, fingerprinted the ballots and found there were a few duplicate ballots. Like EIGHTY FOUR FUCKING THOUSAND. God, Nigeria is crazy.
8:44 p.m. But hey, the good guys won! Now there are more IT folks there in Nigeria, improving internet access…?? We’re not sure, but hey, nice story. VERY GOOD JOB SELENA. NEXT!
8:45 p.m. – Hey David Levine is here, and he’s from Mars. Welcome home, David!
8:46 p.m. – There is some terrible fire alarm going off in here, and it is driving me freaking crazy. Oh, there, it’s over. And people are clapping. Hooray for no fire alarms. Sorry David, what were you talking about? Air locks? No change of clothes? Man, life is tough in space, prolly.
8:47 p.m. – “We were breathing ordinary Utah air, of course,” he says. Is that what kind of air they have on Mars? Are Mars and Utah the same place, and if so, are MORMONS ALL ALIENS?
8:50 p.m. – “Dude, we were on Mars!” BRAG MUCH? OH: “Maybe next time we’ll be on the real Mars.” Wait, what’s going on here? NEXT!
8:51 p.m. – Man, I’m really winding down. What’s next? Cat road trips? Oh, sorry, but I just don’t know about this. I’d like to keep it up, but that’s about all the liveblog I’ve got in me. Maybe I’ll just Tweet the rest of it? We’ll see. LIVEBLOG OVER.